Dear Castiel (Letters from Crowley)
by SarahJaneS
Summary: Crowley thinks he should write Castiel a letter. Or two or eighteen. Not because he's obsessed or anything. Not at all. This is the story of how Castiel made an agreement with Crowley to get the souls from Purgatory in season 7 (and ongoing). However, this story is told from the perspective of love letters sent from Crowley to Castiel. Odd how Castiel never responds to them.
1. First Letter Set

Dear Castiel,

I hope this letter finds you well. I know that you are busy in heaven waging a war against your own kind to stop the reinstatement of the Armageddon, but I wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

Not you specifically, of course. I am in no way pining over you in my lovely infernal pit. More accurately, I was thinking about you and Dean. Not that there actually is a you and Dean. We both know that Dean could not possibly be good enough for an angel of your status. With the most amazing set of black wings I've ever seen...

In any case, Dean has been nothing but dreadful to you. He is always whining "Me! Me! Me!" whilst you try so hard to just keep humanity alive. How can you stand it? If I were you, I would have flexed those amazing arms of yours and smote him long ago. In fact, I suggest you do that very thing right now.

It is no wonder you keep burning the eyes out of all my adoring followers instead of just asking me to remove them from your way. It's all the frustration of dealing with that buffoon and his moose brother.

But I forgive you, darling. I'll always forgive you.

Sincerely,

Crowley

Dear Castiel,

I have not heard back from you, but I am certain it is because of how busy you are in heaven. I would like very much to help you. Maybe we could come up with some sort of arrangement? I am a man of business, you see.

I have come a long way from my time as a crossroads demon because I respect the confines of a long term commitment. There are certain times I might bend the rules however. Like if a certain angelic friend is in need of me. We are friends dear Castiel, are we not?

An agreement that would benefit both of us would certainly help your plight. I propose to you: let me help you with construction of your machines of war, and in exchange, I only ask you to marry me. Or maybe some other binding commitment to serve me loyally for all eternity. It is strictly business, understand? I certainly don't want you to get the wrong impression of my intentions. While I bear the crutch of our matrimony, I will forever be married foremost to my work.

Then there is that oafish bullocks, Dean, who will agree to negotiate anything to with me under the pretenses that he should be allowed to threaten me with great calamity once the deed is done. There is no finesse to him. He's a buffoon . You see that, don't you Castiel? You need someone sophisticated and classy. Someone that looks smashing in a black suit.

On an entirely unrelated topic, how do you feel about beards?

Forever your friend,

Crowley

Dear Castiel,

Your angel messengers are morons. It has been over a week and still they have not delivered your letter to me. I don't want you to think for a moment that I have forgot about you. It would be rude of me to not respond to a friend who has taken the time to write me a letter. Don't you think it would be rude, Castiel?

I spoke with Dean the other day. He barely talked about you at all. He did mention you once though in an insignificant way and referred to you as "Cass". How insulting is he to think so casually of someone as powerful and angelic as you. You and I are far older and wiser than any human on this earth, but especially that human. He obviously doesn't care about you. At all. Why have you not smote him yet?

I have thought about the circumstances of your plight in heaven. Understand that me being your friend means that I worry about you and not just about myself. Don't expect the same graces from...others you might know.

I would like to discuss some ideas with you regarding our unifying for a common cause. Write to me please and let me know how to reach you more directly. A phone number perhaps?

Patiently waiting,

Crowley

Dear Castiel,

It was so good to see you on your visit to hell. You should have stayed longer. We could have talked extensively about our hopes and schemes while I made you a lovely cup of tea.

And may I just be so bold as to say that hell's inferno looks quite lovely reflected off your wings?

I know you were in a hurry. Insisting on knowing where Lucifer's cage was and all that lot, but you didn't need to be so forceful. Slamming me against the wall like you did has me seriously questioning your intentions. Have you not performed the same actions with a certain Winchester back when one might suspect you fancied him? Not that I think that now. Certainly not. However, comparing the two scenarios, I find them quite similar...

In any case, you botched your plans of rescue. If you had just asked me to help you, I could have assisted in removing Sam from hell's cage intact. Lucifer holds no ill will towards me. After all, you're the one he exploded.

All this could have been avoided if you had talked to me instead of taunting me with your aggressive flirtations. Nonetheless, I am willing to offer you a deal. As I have said before, I am a man of business and I feel that anyone's hearts desire can be obtained with the right amount of negotiation.

So I offer to free Sam's soul for you and return it to that empty hulking body of his, and in return, all you have to do is marry me. It really isn't that much of a sacrifice. Think of how wonderful it would be to have an angel and a demon, joined by eternal bonds, ruling hell for all time.

Not that Lucifer hasn't tried that bit, but you are a touch more appealing to the eye. And, you'll have me to help you. We would give heaven a run for its money then, wouldn't we, darling Castiel?

Consider my offer,

Crowley

Dear Castiel,

I think perhaps a letter is in order to clear up some things between us.

First and foremost, let me be very clear when I say I was not lingering at Dean's new domicile in an effort to see you.

It was simply coincidental that I happened to be in the area, doing highly important demon matters, when I just happened to notice you in flight. It was quite a sight by the way; to see you soaring across the sky on those brilliant wings like a burst of sunlight.

Nevertheless, I am sure we were bound to run into each other at some point in spite of your insurmountable schedule. You look brilliant by the way. The power of commanding an army of angelic wrath looks lovely on you.

What puzzles me is why you visited that Winchester human in the first place. You seemed to be staring at him raking his leaves. Were you perhaps looking for ways to take his life with the least amount of mess? I ponder that same thing often when I look at him. Humans are just so bloody.

It was nice so speaking to you there. When you spoke to me at last, and bestowed upon me your terms of endearment by calling me "Ass", I could hardly contain my racing heart.

Not that it means anything. You are simply a business partner.

On an unrelated matter, do you like destination weddings? Or something small and informal?

With all of hell's love,

Crowley


	2. Capturing Purgatory 1

Dear Castiel,

It was so good of you to come and visit me in hell. I hope the accommodations were not too unsettling for you. I have gone to great lengths to make the image of hell be a smidge more appealing. Which is not to say it is my intention to make it more appealing for certain angelic allies, certainly not. I just felt that the fiery inferno needed a bit of a makeover.

I sensed that you were not overly impressed with my never-ending line schematic. I will diligently try harder in the future to make the image of our kingdom more appealing for my future husband-to-be.

You did read that fine print within our contract, did you not? I certainly hope that you understood that a demon contract requires more personal sacrifice from those parties involved. For the greater good of the universe and its infinite wisdom through the balance of heaven and hell, I will marry you if marry I must.

I have been looking at suits. It is important that we are dressed to impress the millions of demons that I hold at my command on our special day together. Not that I am boasting to impress you.

I have a special tailor with the most precise hand. I will have him design a smashing suit for you. We just need to get you over there to have your measurements drawn up. A bit of undressing might be involved but no need to be squeamish. It isn't anything I went without seeing in my deepest imaginations already.

I think you would look lovely with a stripe of red instead of a blue tie. I took the liberty to send you a small gift of one with this letter. Try it on, and see if it suits you as much as I imagine it will. You could always send me a picture of you in it if you would like a second opinion.

I have not received word of your cell phone number yet, so I took the liberty of including mine in the card with your gift.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Forever your friend,

Crowley


	3. Capturing Purgatory 2

Dear Castiel,

I suppose we can appreciate the finer qualities of our first lovers spat. You have to forgive me if I seemed insensitive to the ways that you go out of your way for those demons in denim.

I can see how their taunts at the idea of freedom might appeal to someone as brilliant as yourself, but keep in mind how enjoyable complete and utter subservience can be. I am sure you will see it with you own eyes once our contract is finalized and you are forced to marry me. Not that it will be such a terrible thing. None of my demons yearn for free will over servitude.

Now it might do well for us to discuss your dislike of my tactics. You might think it distasteful to torture creatures of purgatory for information. Please consider the benefits and how they will outweigh your moral hurdles. If you actually tried torture you would find that it can be quite enjoyable.

I am not sure how Eve put together my plans of harvesting souls for your angelic war machine. Dreadful, how she confessed all that to the Winchester's along with the realization of my still being alive. Not that secrecy was a clause of our agreement, mind you. Still, I have to admit, when your cronies did her in, and you blasted the room in that astounding holy light, it took my breath away.

They could never comprehend how breathtaking you are. How your power only is second to my own. It is a shame really, to waste yourself on helping those fools when you and I can create such greatness together.

Dear sweet Castiel, together we could rule the world. Then, I would always be there to clean up your messes.

Thinking of you,

Crowley


	4. Capturing Purgatory 3

Dear Castiel,

I suppose I am in the wrong again with the unfortunate loss of my temper. I must insist though that you understand how crucial events are in order for us to be successful in our plans. You allowing those idiot brothers to interfere is not at all helpful.

While I enjoy dissecting and otherwise torturing a variety of monsters as well as Eve herself, it is still work; understand. It is time consuming and a lot more messy than what I'm accustomed to. So while I am diligently attempting to unlock purgatory in every effort to not only uphold the contract that would allow our marriage to come to pass, but also so as to please you...well. It did not sit well with me that you should take that opportunity to find solace in the passenger seat of a certain impala car.

You are connected to me. You belong to me. Do you understand this, Castiel? Do you understand what you have agreed to when you acquired my help? I am a demon, but I am a man of business, and you are an angel. You are bound to your word.

Stop parading around creation with those useless, incompetent, no-brained humans and write me back for hell's sake!

I am what is important in all of this because I am the one that will win you this war. If you would just let me in.

With love and impatience,

Crowley


	5. Capturing Purgatory 4

Dear Castiel,

I appreciate your diligent efforts to keep the Winchester's away from my discovery. Whilst I assume this is your attempt to look out for my best interests, killing my loyal soldiers is in no way endearing to me. I would much prefer if you would contact me directly (which would be a lot more possible with the exchange of phone numbers) and I could remove the obstacles easily from your path. The best relationships are laid upon the ground work of good communication, understand? I hope these are valuable lessons we take with us through matrimony.

Nevertheless, it was my intent to kill Sam and Dean Winchester as it will continue to be. This should be no consequence to you as they are simply an annoying obstacle getting in the way of our ultimate goals.

A side note I must add. While it was quite horrible to see what you did to my minions, I must admit I also found it to be somewhat... stimulating to see you smite them. Perhaps you could demonstrate that again for me? But only after they kill Sam and Dean of course.

I find you to be quite clever with your hands. I think if we could take the time to focus on the more positive qualities each other shares, it would do well to keep us from bickering all the time. I, for example, like the way you look when you smite and invariably kill my employees. Now it's your turn to say something nice about me.

Forever yours as your fiance,

Crowley


End file.
